“I thought I heard an intruder. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”. A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Coincidentally it happened to be our 30th anniversary. A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her... My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific... On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”, My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain. Where did you get them?” —Yefim M. Brodd. The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. - Nora Ephron My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”. All sorted from the best by our visitors. That’s not going to help,” she said. Woman: "You heard me! —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for... On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. Self care and ideas to help you live a healthier, happier life. A: Because she was frigid. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. More jokes about: marriage Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Why don't you do that?" I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Hilarious One Liners: Marriage, Group 4 You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and... One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. A: He baptized one and kept the other as a control. I take that as a compliment. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” —. I could hear her... • When Harry Met Sally and Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos • Love Handles, Actually • Runaway Bridal Expenses, My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. See more ideas about bones funny, marriage jokes, jokes. Most Popular Jokes. Wife Jokes Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.... Ah, marriage. Getting married is serious business but it’s also a time to let loose and poke fun at the silliness of it all. “Ha! “No, not yet. Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. "Don't count on it. I already have one of those.” —Julie Phelan. My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding ... A young Couple A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out. My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. Contributor. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. I could hear her ask what he was doing. See TOP 10 marriage one liners. Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re... A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t... A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! Absolutely hillarious marriage one-liners! I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. A retired rancher decided to go back to school. Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" If you’re tired of all the lovey dovey quotes about love and marriage, then you’ll love the best wedding jokes we rounded up that will make you the toast of the ceremony and the reception. I mean, it’s called an “institution” for a reason. Dad, though, had no interest. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. by Casey Rackham. A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an... My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Page 4. Clean Christian jokes, funny jokes, free jokes, and clean jokes and humor about marriage, husbands, wives, kids, men, women, and more. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected,... A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the... On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Marriage is finding that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life. “Not again …”. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find... As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. For the middle class, marriage is the only adventure left. !” he cried. All sorted from the best by our visitors. Reporting on what you care about. Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Will and Guy’s collection of amusing and sometimes funny matrimony yarns and jokes. 3. Husband: My truck. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. His reason for doing so? A husband and a wife at beach: My dear John I love this beach; Ohhh… me too, mostly night! The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted." Here the chef knows how to cook...". E. Dean / Stringer/ Getty Images. A: A hundred grand, or more. Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. • Never try to tell everything you know. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.” —Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland. Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?". I want to kill my husband!" The floor’s still wet.”. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. “Not me. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”. The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. My husband talks in his sleep. The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener! Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly.... After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. The ad said, simply: “Wife wanted.” He was surprised the next morning to find he had... A retired rancher decided to go back to school. As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. 2. My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven. - Jack Benny Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended. Absolutely hillarious marriage one-liners! I was married once. Groucho Marx Sponsored Links ∇ Wedding Bells Again for Amazing Woman Woman with Sense … Father: Son, that's true everywhere. I'm the groom.". Dad, though, had no interest. The driver said, The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said... As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. No related posts; Most Recent Jokes . He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university. The guilt is killing me. “What? But really, what do you want to eat tonight? Marriage Jokes. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. 1. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in... Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce? The largest collection of marriage one-line jokes in the world. Check out our collection of love jokes for an extra laugh. My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. Enjoy a wide variety of funny Christian jokes, good clean jokes, and family safe jokes and religious humor. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" There are benefits to buying the cow, which is why men still marry. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. A lot of boyfriends will chicken out while others will take the plunge and shoot themselves in the foot. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I... A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. Marriage is no Bed of Roses. We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. A: It puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to... My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? Dirty Short Jokes There are three stages of lovemaking after marriage… I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still... • Never try to tell everything you know. This joke may contain profanity. When someone’s boyfriend jokes about marriage, it means they are trying to gain the courage to go through it. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people... After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”. I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. Wedding Bells Again for Amazing Woman Good Insurance Policy? “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. ", A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? “Oh, thank God,” she said. I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. More jokes about: catholic, church, husband, marriage, wife A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. Nothing. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? Although it is not always true with other jokes, it’s rather clear that the popularity of marriage jokes stems mostly from anxious guys who are worried concerning making a dedication. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter! I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make... As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. marriage JOKES (random) There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!" “Not at all,” I assured... A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. The largest collection of marriage one-line jokes in the world. Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”. 25 Funny Marriage Jokes That Describe Married Life Perfectly. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.” Keith Chambers. 100+ Funny and Cute Jokes To Tell Your Boyfriend What Every Woman Needs To Know About Love And Money Before Getting Married 50 Pieces Of Expert Advice On How To Have A Happy Marriage From 50 Marriage Professionals Oct 25, 2018 - Explore Trika T.'s board "Marriage JOKES" on Pinterest. Father: Love is blind. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to... My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. “Go ahead, dear. But for better or for worse, these marriage jokes and wedding puns will have you doubling over laughing. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth... A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”. The party’s host paid me a great compliment. Now I just lease. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source: Funny in Canada Survey. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." 170 LOL-Worthy Wedding Jokes About Marriage Compiled by the Editors of RD.com Updated: Jan. 27, 2021 Whether you're the best man, maid of honour, or master of ceremonies, it never hurts to kick off your wedding speech with a knee-slapper. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. 38 improvement jokes. • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. Dead Dog - 89,124 views Stairway to Heaven - 74,899 views I have Contacts - 67,689 views “Sure, it does,” he said. If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is. Back to: People Jokes. A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. She can have that too!”. This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. Obviously, joking concerning exactly how bad marriage is helps relieve several of a sick stomach. The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Marriage Jokes - Christian Jokes. A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor… A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. Read these before walking down the aisle. Related Jokes. “I thought she was selling you another house.”. Marriage can be tough. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”. Marriage is when you want to get married to your ugly sister, even though you are already married to her annoying girlfriend. You’re constipated!”. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled T. On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage Jokes. Marriage can be tough. Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes. 51 jokes about marriages. She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" You escaped eight hours ago!”. Marriage jokes. I can’t stand it. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.” —Gerald E. Bronnenberg. My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”, A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. !” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. Something for everyone interested in hair, makeup, style, and body positivity. Q: What does marriage do? Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. We recommend our users to update the browser. Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. Marriage can be tough. But really, what do you want to eat tonight? “Ha! The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?” Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. If you think that your marriage is a joke, do not read this: You don’t have happiness in your life not because of your partner, but because of you. @TheNardvark Do people who... A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”. Ah, marriage. There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Talking to the wine.”. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! The little old man... My husband talks in his sleep. Dead Dog; I Love My Job (As told to Dr. Seuss) Who Reads Newspapers? The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter's wedding. The party’s host paid me a great compliment. BuzzFeed Staff. He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. 09/02/2020. That’s not going to help,” she said. I don't even know her.". “What are you doing?” she asked. After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.". “I have an interesting case here,” he... A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. They say women are martyrs when it comes to love. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed.... Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents. Wife: Do you want dinner? Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Obsessed with travel? Happy Marriage Jokes. When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. Husband: "How can I? • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. “My husband.”. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. Twitter: @wife_housy. —. It may take too short a time. A: She gave him the cold shoulder. After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. Isabell Tenorio. 'Diamonds are a girl's best friend' but did you know that until the 15th century, only kings wore diamonds, as a symbol of strength, courage, and invincibility.
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